Heartbreak

It was a sunny day in September, the lazy summer rays so typical for autumn found their way into the big room with grey, wooden walls and a high ceiling. I was so nervous I had to wash my hands more than twice. At the same time, I was very, very happy. The event that was going to take place was something that I had been looking for. I slowly walked to the big white door, that was ever so slightly opened. I was to wait there for the teacher.

Suddenly one of the boys inside said my name. Following with an insult. The whole class started laughing, they were calling me names, saying that I was fat and weird and strange.

Suddenly the door opened with a jerk and teacher asked me to come in. The tears were burning behind my eyelids. Don't let them see you cry.

They didn't see me cry, not on that day, nor any day after that.

The first time someone broke my heart was long before I knew what romantic love was. It was on a sunny autumn day when I was going to attend my first class of English with the older kids. The whole class insulted me, laughed at me and humiliated me.

I cannot remember if I ever told anyone else about this. I do know, however, that the event shaped me forever. I would refuse to speak up in class because I was afraid, at the same time I have been driven (and still am) by a desire to be the best in everything, in an attempt to show everyone that I, too, do count.

Lunch Box

What's simple, yet delicious? Satisfying, yet light? Quick?

A salad. I think that healthy food doesn't need to be tasteless. In my opinion, it's easier to eat healthily and strive for a healthy life when the food tastes good. There are many ways to make a dish healthier, when it comes to salad for instance, no dressing is needed if one uses the right kind of spices. Mixing textures and adding protein is also a good idea.

The salad in today's lunch box took about two minutes to make.

The ingredients?

• rocket & spinach
• crayfishes
• 1 avocado
• feta cheese
• lime & pepper

Monday, September 8, 2014: NaBloPoMo

Do you give yourself time to heal, or do you keep making yourself move forward?

Healing
or moving forward?
Are those two processes so very different?
How much do you need to heal before moving on?
I always thought
that people need to move,
not to be stuck in one place
to develop
to learn
Somehow I thought that moving
would keep away the grief

Then one day I suddenly realized, that it was all still within me. And now I know that I cannot move in any direction, before I have dealt with those demons inside me.

I need to force myself to stay still, not to move forward, nor backward, nor side-wards.

Because I know that once I have dealt with that that needs to be dealt with, then I can move forward as much as I want.

Gdańsk & Sopot, we wrześniu 2014 r.

Oh, hello darlings. 

The weekend was so perfect - we went to Poland! Flying to northern Poland from Sweden is easy. fast and cheap. We were also lucky to have the perfect host, a woman who entertained us with stories from her trips all around the world. The weather was great, so we could walk between two of the three Trójmiasto cities - Gdańsk and Sopot. We actually spent less than 24 hours in Poland, but had the opportunity to enjoy the history of Gdańsk and the holiday buzz in Sopot.

We only walked and ate, so it's difficult to say much about the cultural offerings or life as such. I would definitely like to visit the Trójmiasto-area again for more exploring!

A Small Reminder

After a somewhat tough week where I have been very much too sensitive to the ways of others, I need to remind myself to...



It is not my problem if someone else is annoyed or grumpy. Or angry or frustrated.
All I can do is to stay positive and friendly,
and hope that the joy is contagious. 

If not - then, it is not my problem. I can only appreciate others, their knowledge and their points of view. I cannot make them act in any other way. 

The photo I have borrowed 

It's Such A Small World [Healing]

The third prompt is about a helpful post or hash tag related to the coverage of the events in Ferguson. First I thought that I would write about something entirely different, my opinion was that the events in Ferguson were so far away, that there are more important things for my own personal healing.

But wait a minute. 

We live in a world where events on the other side of the planet have an impact on our lives - whether we want to or not. And maybe, just maybe, it's something positive. We learn. We keep ourselves informed. 

Swedish media covered the events in Ferguson quite extensively. In many cases, media directly discussed on the situation in the US, but also the impact of social media. However, it also arose thoughts about the current situation in Sweden and Europe. How are we dealing with issues related to race? What does racism look in our current society? The debate on inclusion and exclusion is of tremendous importance and it is a debate that we need to have.  I believe that the view on people - and their rights - is ultimately the core of the matter, it is the indicator of where society is heading and where it should head. 

And then we have the role of social media - in many ways a wonderful invention (although, I must admit, I do think it's a double-edged sword), a place where people from different backgrounds and with different experiences have the possibility to come together and make their voices heard. It is the beauty of social media, it shrinks the world.

As for healing - this feeling of togetherness is a vital factor. Together we stand. While all the participants add to the information, the knowledge, the experience, the burden becomes easier to bear. And. We learn from each other. While the events in Ferguson did not have a direct consequence on my life or the lives of my friends and family, I do hope that they have stirred something within us, increased our awareness and made us seek improvement.

It truly is a small world.

The Art of Communication, pt. 2: the Language Perspective

In a previous post from yesterday, I wrote the following:

 The word communication comes from Latin communicare, the meaning being to share. It is the sharing of thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions etc. When communicating, there is a receiver - a listener, a reader, a somebody. Addition: this somebody always translates the message s/he receives. 

I often like to think of communication in terms of language learning. How much does one need to know in order to be able to communicate fluently? Why is it easier to write than to speak? How does communication differ between languages and cultures? After all, language is communication. Now that I write this, I realize that there are two posts to be written. One on language and the other one on healing. 

Now I would like to continue this topic of communication in language learning. Here are some of my thoughts on the topic. 

Many - if not most - people learn a foreign language because they want to be able to communicate in it, either for business or pleasure. It is probably only read language nerds who feel motivated to learn a language just because they can.

Language learning is commonly divided into four sub-fields: listening, speaking, reading and writing. The more passive fields, listening and reading are often considered the easier ones. One of my questions "why is it easier to write than to speak?" might not be completely correct - it is my perspective that writing is easier than speaking. Some people might not agree with me. Writing is easier because one has more time to check up words, grammar... in other words, to be more precise. However, maybe this preference is connected to personality. Maybe introverts like writing more than extroverts, while extroverts are the bold speakers?

There is also the aspect of perfectionism. I remember when I was living in Russia. I refused to speak to people until I felt "ready". Just imagine how happy I was when the first comment I received was "oh, you sound like a Russian". I have mixed feelings about this perfectionism. Whereas I know that bold people who talk will learn quicker, my doubt is whether they will learn better. How to define better is, of course, again a question of personal preferences. Now we are suddenly touching the topic of fluency. What is fluency in a foreign language? When is it achieved? Maybe this topic is also connected to that of definitions. What is one's definition of language?

Yes, language is communication. But how deep does the language learner want to take the communication? Communication is so much more than the words we produce. It is how we produce them and how we use them, too. Fluency in a language requires a lot of knowledge. What words to use and when, how to say them, how to write them. Communication is about encoding and decoding. We know what we want to say, but we need to express it in such a way that the receiver translates it correctly.

Language-learning, then, is not a simple exercise. The learner, in order to gain fluency, needs to be aware of the ways in which that particular language is encoded and decoded. The ways to gain that knowledge are many; some do it by talking, others by strictly keeping their nose in the books. Whichever method one chooses, I believe it is important to be in contact with the target language, as often as possible,

The Art Of Communication pt 1: the Healing Perspective

Prompt# 2 Tuesday, September 2, 2014 How do you communicate best? Speaking or writing? 

 The word communication comes from Latin communicare, the meaning being to share. It is the sharing of thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions etc. When communicating, there is a receiver - a listener, a reader, a somebody.

I often like to think of communication in terms of language learning. How much does one need to know in order to be able to communicate fluently? Why is it easier to write than to speak? How does communication differ between languages and cultures? After all, language is communication. Now that I write this, I realize that there are two posts to be written. One on language and the other one on healing. 

So. Let's begin again. And write about healing. 

The pencil. And then the pen. They have always been my best friends. Whenever something has been bothering me, or saddening me, or even made me happy. Pen and paper have been the first friends to know. Why is this?

My theory (with no basis in research) is that writing is more of an internal kind of communication, the receiver is often... me! While talking almost always requires a listener (speaking to oneself is however an option), nobody needs to see the written words. That's why journals are such a great tool. I see that many need to talk about their experiences, they need feedback from their surroundings and they need ideas to move forward. They need to hear comforting words and they need to feel loved in order to deal with their problems and to heal. Ultimately, I have seen people who have used the written word in social media to get their message through (dangerous, by the way, if you ask me). 

I think that writing is more personal, maybe it's something introverts turn to. There is rarely external feedback. There is nobody giving you a hug. But for some of us, it is the way to heal. My opinion is that the truth starts existing when it's on paper. When that paper is filled with my doubts, fears, indecisions, problems, anxieties, troubles etc., that's when they turn into a tangible issue that I can change. Indeed, the best way to turn that gnawing feeling in the gut into some productive is to put it down paper. Preferably in some lovely colour. 

Autumn Is Soup Time

Autumn is soup time, don't you agree?

In an attempt to be more food conscious, I have tried to focus on foods that can be considered a) vegetarian, b) ayurvedic, and c) light. While being tasty and somewhat filling as well.

So, the answer is SOUP. Ever since I came across this recipe from BBC, I have wanted to try their red lentil, chickpea and chilli soup. And yesterday I made a lot of it, so now I have much lunch covered for the whole week.

I did do some changes to the recipe, though. Instead of red onion, I put leek in it. And a lot of garlic was added, as well as basil instead of coriander. Because of the spices, the result was more Mediterranean than exotic.

Here's the result:

September Prompt #1: Talking vs. Silence

The September Prompts are part of September's NaBloPoMo, with the topic being Healing. You can read more about the topic here


Before starting with the first prompt, I would like to dedicate a few lines to the topic at hand and its meaning. Healing? Why healing? Being human means that things happen to us. There are times we do things to others, to ourselves. Sometimes these things are good, sometimes they are not. To me, the process of healing is closely connected to the processes of forgetting and letting go. Essentially, in order to have a happy existence and find inner peace, we need to heal in so many ways. Healing might be something we don't actively think about - at least I don't - even when it touches upon some of our core activities. Engaging in meditation, going to therapy, having long heart-to-heart conversations with friends, reading self-help books. In many cases these activities are related to the need to heal. 

The problem is that in order to heal, we need to be honest. With ourselves and those around us. We need to know what it is we are healing from. What kind of traumas do we need to understand and let go of? And we need to know how, how are we going to heal?


Monday, September 1, 2014

Question: Do you find it more helpful to talk things out or to let things quietly rest? 

I see this question as a starting point, an attempt to answer the question "how". I am one of those people who rarely speaks things out, especially not if it is something that touches me deeply. Many of the feelings associated with burdens - shame, weakness, fear and hopelessness - are feelings that I do not want to share. It is often the case that these issues are so overwhelming and big that I need to deal with them on my own. Friends and family give something else - they give the space to breathe, to have a positive exchange of ideas and thoughts NOT related to these negative feelings. It does not mean that it is not the right thing to do - to hide the feelings and hope that they will go away. They will not, instead they will function as an obstacle, preventing one from finding peace. There is, however, a way to cope and to heal in silence.

When more people are involved - families, groups or sometimes even a whole nation, it is important to talk, to analyse, to compromise, and to find a way forward. Look at Europe, a continent with a history of bloody wars. A continent where the current situation is that the extreme right is gaining popularity and the general feeling seems to be that of being lost. As a society, we need a dialogue, to find out what is wrong and how to make things different. The first steps are awareness and acceptance. Awareness of the fact that something needs to be healed, and acceptance for the fact that not everyone will agree. Acceptance is needed when looking in the mirror, it takes courage to accept that it is, indeed, an imperfect world we live in. And it requires courage to admit that even sensitive topics need to be discussed and that few participants are completely innocent in a conflict.

I write of conflicts and problems when answering this question. I don't think people are always aware of the conflicts within themselves and within the groups they belong to. But essentially healing is about finding a solution to a problem - whether it is done through talking or by the means of silent reflections and observations. In times of distress - and of joy - I often turn to taoism. Again, it is spiritual path that I do not talk about much, but it is there to guide me, in the good times, and in the bad.