Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Tuesday already?

Someone tell me where all the time goes. So what’s new this sunny Monday (oops, Tuesday)? Well, I think Mr. Autumn Blues is knocking on my door. Could it be that SAD is genetic as these symptoms always hit me at this time of the year? And now it’s neither dark nor cold outside, so it doesn’t make any sense otherwise. Times like these I feel like the biggest and loneliest failure on the planet, and it’s not really a fun feeling at all. There’s the feeling of not being enough. Not clever enough, not thin enough, not willing enough. My mind tells me that I’m a selfish person because I’m doing the things I enjoy. Not being able to please everyone is horrible, but so is giving up the me-time that I need. There’s so much I want to do, need to do. I plan it carefully, write lists, dream about the future. But then something comes crashing down. At night I can’t sleep because I feel guilty: guilty for not having done the dishes, or gone grocery shopping, or watched telly... guilty for being a terrible girlfriend, friend and family member... and then the little devil inside my head starts talking: it says that I really belong in a dull office, having a dreary job that doesn’t require a lot of thinking, because, let’s face it, I will mess it up. Why, asks the devil, do I even think that I’m good enough for all those things I want to do? And don’t, the devil adds, even think of trying to change situations, you’re simply not worth it. And then it spits me in the face. Believe me, I have done my best to get rid of that thing: I have only managed to put it asleep. Once in a while it wakes up to torture me again.

On a more positive note: our first psychology assignment got very positive feedback from our tutor. It’s sunny outside, and I’m so going to have something delicious for lunch.

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